there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
