Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
