Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
