Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
