guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
