you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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