Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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