i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
