The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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