im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
