my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
