So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
