I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
