I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
