I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
