I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
