i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
