I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
