When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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