just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
