your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
