How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
