forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
