Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
