Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
