My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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