Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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