Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
