On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
