Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
