here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
