No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
