so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
