Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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