If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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