watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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