Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
