he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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