This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
