My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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