I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
