On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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