we made out on top of his cat.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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