Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
