I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
