dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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