Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it hurts more in the daytime
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
