Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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