May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
