My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
